The Great TV Beauty Contest
by SuperBear
Summary: Kelly Kapowski and Mary Ann Summers are featured prominently in a beauty pageant that brings together TV women from across all time and space. Unfortunately, Zack, Screech and Gilligan learn the pageant is controlled by an evil being from beyond who threatens all the TV characters.


"This beauty pageant will continue until it reaches a resolution, or all of your various worlds will fall under my control."

The figure, dressed in the purple and gold robes of a sultan, stood at least seven feet tall. With dark brown skin and a jet black goatee, he floated on gray clouds as he spoke in a thundering voice.

"You must abide by the contract." He pointed a thick finger at Screech Powers.

Surrounded by the most beautiful women in television, including his friends Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle, Screech stared up at Zoltron along with his friends Zack Morris and Gilligan.

"I didn't realize I was signing up for that," Screech gulped.

Dressed in a chalk-blue tuxedo with ruffled shirt, Screech found the women huddling closer to him, something he might appreciate more if not for the big bad guy wanting to take over all of the television worlds.

And to think it all began when Screech shared his news with his best friend.

"Zack, I have something exciting to show you!"

As he spoke in a voice that was, well, screechy, Screech wore his usual lopsided smile. Zack realized even though Screech might not be too bright in every way, he could be counted on to be cheerful and upbeat. A lot like their mutual friend Kelly.

Of course, unlike Kelly, Screech could get excited about things others might find dull.

"What's up, Screech?" Zack asked with a chin nod and an indulging smile.

Screech waved his pale long-fingered hand. "Come along with me, my good sir, and I will show you."

That was another thing about Screech: he was a bit of a showman.

They went to the basement in Screech's house where a machine with dials and levers was attached to a crackling old TV set, a humming VCR and a beeping computer with flashing lights.

Before Zack could say anything, a grinning, or possibly smirking, Screech, flipped a switch. Suddenly, Zack was no longer in Screech's basement. Instead, he was surrounded by tall palm trees and grass huts.

And there were people there, too. Very familiar people.

"I don't believe it," Zack said. "It's Gilligan. And the Skipper. And the rest!"

"Here on Gilligan's isle," Screech said in a sing-song voice. While a slack-jawed Zack stared, Screech held out his right hand like a magician as he made the introductions. "Everyone, this is my good friend Zack Morris."

They all eagerly moved forward to shake hands. Gilligan was the first, and he leaned in as he vigorously shook Zack's hand. "How do you do, Mister Morris?" 

Zack smiled. "Please, Gilligan. Call me Zack."

Gilligan grinned up at his old white-haired friend and boss. "Hey, did you hear that, Skipper? Zack says I can call him 'Zack.' He seems like an okay all right guy."

The Skipper smiled as he did a kind of shuffle. It seemed like he always shuffled a little when he spoke. "Well, of course he's all right, Gilligan. Anyone who's friends with Screech would have to be all right and okay."

Zack laughed a little as he glanced at Screech. "Wow. They seem to really like you, Screech. Have you been here before?"

Screech lifted his chin as he spoke. "Of course I have. I had to test the system out quite a few times. I couldn't let my best buddy go out into the unknown and possible danger." Screech gave Zack a light slap on the back. "Suppose you got trapped inside an episode of 'Charlie's Angels.'"

"Yeah, that'd be horrible," Zack said with only a hint of mild sarcasm and a slight smirk. "But how is this even possible?"

"I'll explain everything later. For now, I'd like to introduce Mister and Missus Howell." Zack shook hands with each of them. "And Mary Ann and Ginger." Zack kissed the hand of each lady. Mary Ann squealed while Ginger said "oh." "And this is Jonas Grumby and Roy Hinkley."

"Who?" Zack asked, making a face.

"Those are the real names of the Skipper and the Professor," Screech explained with a hint of pride. Screech had always been a trivia-loving fan of "Gilligan's Island" while Zack was more of a casual viewer.

They all sat down to a meal of papaya, bananas, and Mary Ann's coconut cream pie. When the meal was finished, Zack and Screech waved goodbye to their new friends before they returned home.

"Okay, Screech, how did that happen?" Zack asked once they were back in the basement.

Clutching his shirt like an orator, Screech wore his trademark lopsided grin. "It's very simple, Zack. The T-V set broke down, and before I could even call a repairman, one showed up. Just like that!" Screech snapped his fingers.

"That's weird."

"Sure was! What's even more weird is he looked just like Don Knotts. You know, like in that movie 'Pleasantville.'"

"Oh, right!" Zack pointed as he leaned back slightly. "The Don Knotts repairman shows up, and Tobey Maguire and Reese Witherspoon end up inside an old black-and-white T-V show."

"Exactly! If it was me, I'd want to go to Mayberry. Or maybe one of those old 'Twilight Zone' episodes."

Zack gave him an uncertain look. "That sounds a little more dangerous than Mayberry."

"Maybe, but I've always wanted to hang out with Rod Serling." He leaned in toward Zack. "If you want scary, how about a Scooby Doo cartoon?"

As Zack simply shrugged, Screech ran his hands over the machine next to the TV set. "Anyway, once the T-V was fixed, people started coming out of it, and they helped me build this machine."

Zack blinked in amazement. "People started coming out of the TV? Like who?"

"Well, Bill and Ted, for example."

"Bill and Ted?"

"Yes. I was watching 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' when the T-V broke down." Screech nodded authoritatively. "Since they travel around in a time-traveling phone booth, those guys learned a lot about inter-dimensional wiring. But I actually got more help later from Doctor Who." As he whispered, he held a hand to the side of his mouth. "Don't tell Bill and Ted that."

"I won't," Zack grinned as he whispered back. "If I run into them, mum's the word. But what does the machine do?"

"Well, we can meet T-V characters obviously."

"Obviously."

"But we can also combine T-V shows and even change the lives of the T-V characters." Again with the hand and the whisper. "Don't worry. It doesn't change what anyone sees on T-V."

"Good to know. Hey!" Zack lit up as he pointed his finger. "Can we help the castaways get home?"

"Of course! They can go home and live their lives while we continue to enjoy them in the reruns."

Zack leaned back as he smiled. "Good. I always felt kind of sad Gilligan and those guys never got off the island." 

Screech supplied another light slap on the back. "That's you, Zack. Always thinking of your fellow man."

"And woman," Zack said slyly. Again, he lit up. "Hey! Let's tell Kelly and Lisa."

"They already know," Screech said. Once again, he leaned and whispered. "In fact, they're helping me with a special project."

"Special project? Like what?"

"You'll find out."

Zack made a face. "Screech, why do you keep acting like someone might be listening?"

"You never know," Screech whispered as he wore his sly knowing look.

Screech continued. "I tried to tell Jessie and Slater but they were too busy. Guess they'll have to miss out on the big event."

After that, Zack attended classes (barely) then hurried to Screech's basement so they could visit Gilligan's island together. On some days, Zack would find Screech returning from visits to other T-V shows. But he continued to be secretive about his visits and the special big event he was planning.

It was about the time that Slater was at a wrestling match and Jessie was at a debate tournament that Zack finally learned about the big event.

And Jessie would have found it to be sexist, had she known.

Zack was back on Gilligan's island where he stood before a stage and a catwalk made from bamboos. There were a lot of chairs and a lot of people.

"What is all this, Screech?"

"Ta-da!" Screech exclaimed, forming his lanky arms into a sideways "V." "It's The Great T-V Beauty Contest! It will have women from all kinds of different T-V shows."

"Awesome!" Zack exuded.

"I knew you'd like it. So sit back and enjoy the show."

They took a seat near the castaways. Zack offered handshakes and friendly greetings to all of them, but he also had a question.

"Ginger, why aren't you in the pageant?"

"I've had enough attention in my life," the redhead beauty explained. "I wanted to give Mary Ann a chance to shine."

Zack smiled and nodded. "That's very nice of you."

Zack glanced out at the audience. He could see there were a lot of TV characters present from all kinds of shows.

Wearing his light blue ruffled tuxedo, Screech acted as an announcer from his seat.

"Up first we have Charlie's Angels!"

"Yeah!" Zack said loudly as he clapped. He leaned toward Screech. "Afterwards, we'll make sure the castaways get home."

Screech placed a hand on Zack's shoulder. "That's you, Zack: always thinking of others."

"Right now I'm thinking about all the women in swimsuits," Zack said with a little laugh in his voice.

"First up, we have Kelly Garrett," Screech announced.

As the rosy-cheeked Kelly took center stage in a black bikini, other Angels posed in swimsuits behind her. Sabrina Duncan wore a light blue one-piece swimsuit while holding a clipboard. '

Screech narrated. "You might notice Kelly's black bikini, with just three strings above each hip, is pretty provocative even by today's standards."

"Yeah," Zack said with a big grin. Behind him, Gilligan was slack-jawed.

Screech leaned in with a hand next to his mouth. "I always felt like Kelly had the nicest cheekbones."

Zack smiled as he put a hand on Screech's shoulder. "It's okay, Screech. You can speak up. I don't think Kelly would mind hearing that."

"You're right." Screech's whisper turned to a shout. "Great cheekbones, Kelly!"

"Thank you, Screech," Kelly said in a gentle demure voice as she offered a pleasant little grin.

Zack's one-time girlfriend, Kelly Kapowski, stuck her head out from behind a curtain. "You talking to me, Screech?"

"No, Kelly," Screech said. "But you have a great face, even if your cheekbones aren't as nice as Kelly Garrett's."

"And you have great eyes, Kelly," Zack called out. "And a great smile!" He stood and pointed as he shouted. "You are overall great, Kel!"

Kelly smiled sweetly. "Thanks, guys," she said and ducked behind the curtain.

"Up next is Kris Monroe."

Taking center stage, Kris sported a white bikini with red candy cane stripes. Dripping wet, she used both hands to brush back her soaked blond hair.

"Just like in the title sequence," Screech said.

"Wow," Gilligan and Zack said. A wide-eyed Zack was almost in awe. Gilligan actually fell out of his seat.

Once the Angels were offstage and Gilligan back in his seat, Screech announced the next contestants. "Next we have Samantha Stevens and Jeannie."

The two blondes appeared in tuxedo-style spandex with black pantyhose and top hats. Jeannie wore a red bow tie, Samantha a black one. They performed a series of magic tricks. Later in the act, they were joined by Kris, who also sported a sexy black magician's outfit. She thrust out a magic wand, and a dove appeared.

The three lady magicians were then joined by a tall long-legged brunette, also in tuxedo-style spandex with a black bow tie. This beautiful lady had bright shiny blue eyes and a sweet little grin.

"Who's that?" Gilligan asked.

"Zatanna. From 'Smallville,'" Screech explained matter-of-factly.

Zack made a face. "What's 'Smallville?'"

"It's a T-V show in the future. Oh, didn't I mention that? I get T-V shows from the future now."

"Best cable T-V ever," Zack murmured appreciatively.

"What's cable T-V?" Gilligan asked.

"You'll find out," Zack said.

"That's where they have reruns," Screech said.

"What are reruns?"

"You'll find out," they said together.

Screech smiled as he crossed his feet and leaned back, hands behind his head. "Face it, guys: we're at the nexus of the best T-V ever. Now from 'The Big Bang Theory' we have Penny in her famous little black dress. The one that got her out of two parking tickets and jury duty.." He sat up as he introduced the others. "We also have her four friends Raj, Howard, Leonard and Sheldon as they make corn starch dance on a music speaker."

As bouncy music played, Zack and Screech boogied, and the castaways joined in. What the Skipper lacked in dance skills he made up for in an enthusiastic smile. The Professor was a little stiff while Gilligan danced in an awkward manner. The Howells did a kind of waltz. Ginger just sat still for a change.

"I'm good friends with Sheldon and those guys," Screech said. He leaned in and whispered. "Even if they are big nerds."

More women appeared on stage, with the men applauding appreciatively and wildly. Shirley Partridge and Marcia Brady, both wearing blue mini-skirts, sang a song about loyalty and friendship. As they did, a dizzying array of television's most beautiful women from all time and space paraded up and down the catwalk, including Maria from "Sesame Street" and the toga-clad superheroine Isis.

"From the Saturday morning show," Screech explained. Apparently he had been watching a lot of TV. "And here's Wonder Woman, too!"

"Wow," Gilligan said while Zack was slack-jawed.

"And now we have two celebrities. To avoid violating any guidelines we'll give them fictitious names: Paula Andrews and Veronica Hanson." Both women sported red lifeguard swimsuits: the tan blond Paula and the dark brunette Veronica.

"Whoa," Zack said.

"Double whoa," Gilligan said.

"Triple whoa," Zack said.

"Need help lifting your jaw there, Zack?" Screech chuckled. "Veronica not only has a sweet face and a nice smile, she can sing, too!"

To demonstrate, Veronica sang about being in love; her sweet gentle voice carried across the seats and brought smiles throughout the audience. As Veronica sang, Screech beamed as his eyes shone with admiration. Zack realized his friend really loved women. Too bad he had such difficulty attracting one.

The parade of TV's most beautiful women continued before the audience of TV characters. A certain young smiling game show hostess, Veeda Black, sported a plaid shirt tied in a knot. With that shirt, Veeda wore Daisy Dukes and so did Daisy Duke.

There were several women from episodes of "Star Trek."

"Whoa," Zack, Screech and Gilligan all said at once, indicating their appreciation for beautiful alien women.

As they took center stage, Ellie May Clampett and Mary Ann wore one-piece swimsuits. Ellie May wore a white one which was graced by her beautiful smile. Mary Ann, in a black swimsuit, attempted to sing like Ginger. Screech promptly rose from his seat.

"Mary Ann, you're such a sweet girl. You don't need to be like someone else. Just be yourself."

"He's right. Listen to Screech, Mary Ann," Ginger said.

Mary responded with a nervous twitching smile. "You're right, Screech. And you, too, Ginger. Thank you."

After that, Mary Ann tap-danced while Ellie May had her small menagerie of pets do tricks.

As more women paraded out on stage, the enthusiasm of Zack, Screech and Gilligan simply increased. Several times, Gilligan rose and clapped his hands.

Others were also enthusiastic.

"Oh, bravo!" Mrs. Howell exclaimed. "This is simply marvelous!"

It was about the time that Kelly and Lisa appeared in swimsuits that the big interruption happened. There was a great burst of smoke, and a towering dark sultan-like figure appeared.

"I am Zoltron. It was not your inferior technology alone that allowed your television to become a conduit to other worlds and times. It was I with my great power!"

Screech held up a finger. "You mean it was me with my great power."

"Silence! I completed the power of your inferior machine.." Zoltron pointed a thick menacing finger. "Now heed the terms of the contract."

Screech jumped to his feet. "I never got a contract from you! I only signed something by the Don Knotts repairman."

Grabbing his friend, Zack whispered sharply. "Screech, don't you know not to argue with a great big powerful guy?"

"Even I know that," Gilligan said.

The one called Zoltron continued in his thundering voice. "I disguised myself as a repairman to gain your trust. Now, fulfill the contract. This pageant must continue until there is a resolution. Fail in this, and the women become my slaves. And all these worlds are mine to rule over."

Zoltron laughed as he faded away.

After that, it was like they were caught in a continuous loop. The pageant repeated itself over and over again with the women, and the audience members, growing more and more tired and exhausted.

"When's there going to be a winner?" a yawning Zack asked as he blinked sleep from his eyes.

"There never will be," Screech said, his head drooping. "There aren't even any judges. The idea was they were all winners."

"Then how's this supposed to end?" the Skipper asked.

"I don't know!" Screech screeched.

"Boy," Gilligan said. "I'm glad it's Screech who messed up this time and not me."

So the pageant repeated itself again. This time, Mary Ann and Kelly stepped out on stage together. Though both were blurry-eyed, they were careful to step over a sleeping Lisa lying down on the catwalk.

That was when Zack looked at Kelly. He thought how her brown face was to perfect, her smile so cheerful and friendly, her eyes so bright and full of life. And she always so upbeat, so positive, so optimistic, so...Kelly. In that moment, Zack felt a genuine love for her.

Zack rose from his seat. "I declare Kelly to be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

With her bright eyes and cheerful smile, Kelly looked not only flattered but touched. "Really?" she said.

"Really," Zack said.

Screech jumped to his feet, staggering a little as he did. "Zack, you can't do that. You're not a judge."

Zack's words were addressed to his friend but his gaze stayed on Kelly. "It doesn't matter, Screech. Each one of us is free to decide who we like best, who we think is the most beautiful woman on television."

"I think Zack's on to something," the Professor said. The Skipper and the Howells nodded as they murmured their agreement. Ginger, with her head on the Professor's shoulder, slept with her mouth open. Gilligan was asleep on the ground.

After Screech considered for a moment, he nodded his head. "I think you may be right, Zack. And you, too, Professor." Turning to the stage, he lifted a finger. "In that case, I declare the most beautiful woman to be...Mary Ann."

"Yay," Gilligan said, though not fully awake.

The Professor stood, causing Ginger to yelp as she tipped over. "I couldn't agree more, Screech," the Professor declared.

"Oh! Thank you, Screech!" Mary Ann squealed as she jumped up and down. "Thank you, Gilligan! Thank you, Professor!"

She ran down from the stage to hug Screech and all her fellow castaways.

While women in the pageant hugged Mary Ann and Kelly, Zoltron appeared again with head bowed and hands spread.

"The contract is fulfilled. You are all free!"

"Well, of course we are!" Mary Ann said defiantly with hand on her hip. The other women murmured their agreement. Buffy Summers, distant relative to Mary Ann, stood at the ready in her black one-piece swimsuit, holding up a stake. Just in case.

"And the power of your inferior technology, such as it is, remains."

Head still bowed, Zoltron vanished in a mild puff of smoke.

Screech lifted his chin as he spoke. "Well, now that that pest is gone, we can do something we could normally never do at any other pageant. We're going to hand out flowers to all the contestants."

The women all lined up to receive their flowers: a red carnation and a white daisy from Screech. The contestants included the first Lois Lane from "The Adventures of Superman." She wore a white one-piece swimsuit and a great big smile. In contrast, a sultry-faced Emma Peel from "The Avengers" wore shiny black leather pants with her sleeveless black leather top.

Zack handed out roses. As he presented each contestant with a yellow rose, he bowed graciously. Each woman smiled and bowed in return. Of course, Screech and Zack got quite a few cheek-kisses.

Mary Ann and Kelly each got a bunch of red roses. While Kelly poured our her wonderful smile with her bright eyes shining a little more than usual, Mary Ann wiped away a few tears.

Screech broke in with his screechy voice. "Once again, I declare Mary Ann to be the most beautiful woman in all of television." 

"Thank you, Screech," Mary Ann sniffled.

Holding a hand to his mouth, Screech leaned in toward Lisa. "Sorry, Lisa."

Lisa smiled. "It's all right, Screech. And thanks for my flowers."

After the contestants all hugged and congratulated each other (they were, after all, all winners), Screech and his friends returned home.

Screech flipped a switch on the TV machine. "This will get the castaways off the island. After that, I'm deactivating the machine. It's far too dangerous."

"Good idea, Screech," Kelly said.

Screech hit the power button. "Now, we shall never speak of this again."

"Especially not to Slater and Jessie when they get back," Zack said with a grin.

"Yeah," Lisa said with a little laugh in her voice. "They'd probably have us committed."

The four friends piled their hands on top of each other then quickly lifted them as they shouted, "Bayside!"

Other things went on in the realm where television characters are real. In their makeshift raft, Gilligan and his fellow castaways pulled up to a new island. There, a man on the beach greeted them.

"Hey, folks. I'm Jack Shepherd."

Dressed in rolled-up pants and a shirt with the tails hanging out, Shepherd sported some impressive beard stubble.

"Screech told me you'd be coming. We've got things all ready for you." Shepherd laughed as he pointed. "What's with all the roses?"

"Mary Ann just won a beauty contest," Gilligan explained.

"Congratulations," Shepherd said as Mary Ann sniffled and wiped her eyes. "You folks should like it here, and we're bound to be rescued one way or another. But you'll find a lot of strange stuff here."

"That's okay," Gilligan said. "We're used to that."


End file.
